I fall asleep. I did not take any Ativan. I’ve rested all day and the tremors are mild. Lets see how we do without Ativan. It’s a controlled substance for a reason. Today I read “Go Ask Alice” in one afternoon. This only reinforces to me how easily a person can become addicted to drugs, even if it’s prescribe. I did take a nap today so perhaps a gummy melatonin will be enough.
It’s not. I sleep fitfully. I awaken each time to the sound of Dave’s CPAP droning away quietly. Without the Ativan, my nervous system is alive and buzzing. My legs, my arms, my thighs, my face, everything tingles. It’s like pins and needles, but less intense.
I stress dream. I’m working at summer camp, but I have to drive to pick up something. It’s no where close to camp. My older sister and another staff are they. They decide they don’t want to work anymore. Wait. Where is my car? Why do I suddenly have one of those scooters from elementary PE? We attempt to scoot to camp. It’s hard and we forget to pick up whatever the item was and I have to explain my sister and other staff’s absence.
The pain! I’ve apparently rolled to my side from my back. The needles of pins and needles shoot through my body. I go back to sleep.
I dream of the student, sick in the hospital. I see his mother. We hold each other and cry. He is a smaller version of himself, full of cords, but in something reminiscent of the clear bassinets they have for newborns at hospitals. I walk down a hall. People scream. I’m by a set of stairs. He’s there, wearing a backpack. I know he’s dead. He hugs me and then disappears.
I wake up sobbing. I move and the needles shoot through my body. I panic. Do I need to check my email? Is the student okay? I say a prayer for him and go back to sleep.
I stress dream of my classroom. It’s my classroom, but desks are in a u-shape instead of groups of 4. The room is darker and has a moist, gloomy feel to it. Junk/random school stuff is being stored in my room, cluttering my shelves and counters. It’s lunch. A student from last year needs my help. He brings me a chrome book and then decides to eat a fruit cup while typing. Sticky juice gets on the computer. Things are out of place on my desk.
Pain shoots through my body and awakens me. I’ve moved back to my side. I resolve to stop moving in my sleep.
My whole body continues to buzz. My neck aches. I regret my decision to forgo medication. I lightly doze until morning. I frantically check my email in the morning. My nightmares were just those. I rise and get the kids ready for school.