Chapter 11

I wake up. I feel fuzzy. After the initial facial twitch freak out, the tremors are calmer. I can speak a little more clearly. But still I feel fuzzy, not just where the tremors normally are, but all over. My butt, my sides, my abdomen, are all fuzzy. The twitching is taking up residence in my toes. This is much less annoying. I think I’ll just stay in bed and make way through all the things in my queue that I’ve been meaning to check out.

I watch two movies, one good and one not. I try new tv shows. “Would would Diplo do?” I don’t know. After 10 minutes, I couldn’t care less and it gets the axe from me. I’m sure I won’t be the first to axe Diplo. Sorry James Van Der Beek.

Still fuzzy. My IUD is acting up. It reminds me of braxton hicks contractions. Just like a pregnant lady, I deal with it by taking a nap. I did not even know I was tired.

I wake up and stress. My kids have not stopped having needs just because I am having my own issues. Soccer practice for the next month is still at an inconvenient time, at an even more inconvenient location. I remember that Robin has an overnight sleep study in Bellevue a little over a week.

I keep a digital sticky note on my laptop at school that helps me manage all the things, the appointments, that I need to attend to with the kids. I was supposed to call Children’s to schedule an appointment for Robin. Guess that will have to wait a little longer. Robin is refusing to do work at school that requires drawing. C’mon kid. Work with me!

Eileen was diagnosed with autism this fall. I was planning to get her in with a child therapist. That’s on the back burner. Right now I need to figure out what to do about her weekly services at the local public school. Since she goes to private school, it’s my job to provide transport. I’ll wait to email her speech therapist until after I’ve seen a neurologist.

Oh and now Robin has a wart on the bottom of his foot. Seriously?

My friend, Dana, drops the kids off at school. She notices that I look a little better.

I have a headache. Robin is terrorizing everyone, angry about school work. My face starts twitching hard and furiously. I try to stay calm. I try to stutter that I’m okay. The kids have seen my twitches and tremors, but this is a little more. I’m in the kitchen. My body is overcome.

I’m having a seizure. My body is being shook like a rag doll. I’m aware of what’s happening, but I can’t stop it. My eyes are rapidly moving, my arms are in the air shaking hard and fast. I can no longer speak. My feet remain firmly planted. I need my kids to believe I am okay. Linus grabs my phone.

It all lasts about 30 seconds, definitely under a minute. I don’t let Linus call anyone. I just want to continue the evening. People in my community (parents, colleagues) have donated Ubereats so that I have one less thing to worry about. Robin watches over my shoulder and instantly becomes obsessed with Habit Burger Grill.

My head is pounding. I’m am trying to get all the kids’ orders, but Eileen, who wasn’t in the room when it all went down, thinks Linus is just being bossy and refuses to come downstairs. I finally figure out the order and go to use a gift card. I can’t get it to work. I switch to the phone app and only one works. Fuck. Why is this so hard!?! I give up, place the order.

It occurs to me that I should probably tell the doctor what just happened. We had never discussed what to do if I had another seizure. Do I need to go to the ER? Do I just rest? I start to email him, I look at the clock. It’s not yet 5 pm. He will still be in the office. Maybe I should call.

I head upstairs to be in the dark. I text Dave. He probably should know too. I call the doctor and talk to a random nurse, A, in the office. She doesn’t know me and I find myself slowly trying to retell all of what has happened. All I want is to get a message to Dr. McHH that I had another seizure and I don’t know what to do. 20 minutes later (I was shocked how long this took) I hang up with the nurse and wait.

A few minutes later Dr. McHH’s nurse, Cool Nurse Chick, calls. I’m relieved. She tells me what I want to hear. I do not need to go to the ER since I am scheduled to see the neurologist tomorrow. Take an ativan and rest. Done. We chat a little bit and I feel better.

I go downstairs. Ubereats showed up while I was on the phone. I go to get my burger and there is cheese on it. I start crying. It’s so dumb. I’m so emotionally exhausted, I cannot handle this mild hiccup like an adult. Linus knows what to do. He hugs me and holds me. He offers to make me dinner. I thank Linus and just grab some crackers, take an ativan, and head back to my dark room.

Dave comes home. He gets Eileen and Robin ready for swim. THEY ARE GOING TO SWIM CLASS! NON-NEGOTIABLE! They need exercise. They need to leave the house. They need normalcy.

Linus comes into my room, sits in the chair in the corner. He has an ipad to entertain himself, but he is going to watch me until Dave comes home. I am so proud of him, the man he is becoming.

My head still hurts. I google whether I can take an ibuprofen with ativan. It’s safe. I help myself to two ibuprofen and another ativan. I go into my closet and reach up high and pull down a box. It’s a box where I keep all my Catholic stuff. I root through until I find a little white satin purse. In the purse is my rosary from my first communion. My younger self thought to keep a how to pray the rosary pamphlet. I’m pretty sure this pamphlet is from 1988.

I settle back into bed. I open the pamphlet. Sorry, I’m not so Catholic that I have the Mysteries of the Rosary memorized nor do I know the Hail, Holy Queen Prayer, or lets be honest, The Apostles Creed. Even though it’s not technically the correct day (you are supposed to pray certain mysteries on set days), I select the Glorious Mysteries. These feel like the ones that best support what I need. I pray not so much for myself, but a student who is suffering more than me right now. I’ve already received Annointing of the Sick, it’s time to go all in and pray the rosary.

I silently make my way through the rosary. I feel better. I go to sleep.